[Money] The Price Of Growing Up In Racial Isolation

The financial, psychological, & emotional cost of being ‘the only’

By Stacey Tisdale

A while back, I attended a fundraiser for an organization that helps low-income Black and Latino's children get into private schools. The organization provides tuition for these students and has a weekend academy to help prepare them academically for what can be more rigorous curriculums than they are used to.

The program is great. The children were beaming as they described ‘the great education they were receiving and opportunities that were ahead.’

As I looked at these young people, I prayed with all my heart that someone in their lives was giving them the emotional and psychological tools they need in order to deal with the feelings of isolation that come with the "privileged" education they were receiving.

Feelings that I know firsthand, if unchecked, can lead to a costly image gap: The space between whom you are and the image of the people, places, and things around you reflect back to you as "normal." Many of these young people will grow to see a reflection of a person who doesn't feel as if they fit in anywhere. These coping strategies -- usually unconscious -- they develop in order to fill this gap and "belong" can impact everything from their relationships to the ways in which they negotiate to their financial behavior as adults.

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Prep School Negro

When director Andre Robert Lee was 14 years old, he received a full scholarship to attend one of the most elite prep schools in the country. His mother, who struggled to support Lee and his sister on a factory worker’s salary, thought the scholarship was her son’s ticket out of the ghettos of Philadelphia and into a world that would lead to career and financial success.

While Lee thrived academically and went on to critical acclaim in the film world, his journey, which he chronicles in the award-winning documentary The Prep School Negro, shows how growing up as ‘the only’ in a world of racial isolation can come at a price.

“On the surface it looks like I’m doing very well. People see that I travel and that I have an exciting life, but I had no savings. I’ve struggled to pay my bills and get by, says Lee.

Beneath The Surface

While you would think that growing up in privileged environments leads to success, you also have to think about what’s really happening to your child. You have to find out what they’re thinking and pay attention to whether they’re being demoralized.

Financial experts now see that demoralization can result in coping strategies that can negatively impact adult financial behavior. As social psychologist Leon Festinger pointed out in his 1954 Social Comparison Theory, which shed light on the ways in which confidence and self-esteem develop, humans have an instinctual drive to judge themselves and value their own abilities based on what they see in the people around them.

While behavioral finance is difficult to quantify, and this is a new area of expertise, experts say the ways in which financial issues around race and isolationism can affect your bottom line is real.

[Click HERE To Learn How Your Attitude About Race Affects Your Wallet!]

Filling the Gap

“Feeling the kind of isolation Andre felt means that you want to watch out for ‘co-dependency’ kind of responses to money. Similar to alcohol, overeating, cigarettes, etc., addictive behaviors would be the greatest sign that help is needed,” says George Kinder, a financial planner and tax adviser, who is considered the father of the behavioral finance movement that started in the 1980s.

Kinder, also the founder of the Kinder Institute of Life Planning and author of The Seven Stages of Money Maturity, says growing up in this kind of ‘image gap,’ where you don’t fit in racially, culturally, or sometimes financially, as was the case with Lee, can create conditioned behavior patterns that if left unchecked could last a lifetime.

“These patterns might include either using money as a ‘treat,’ like sweets, sex, or alcohol, in ways that diminish your ability to fulfill your saving and investment strategies for your personal freedom or the reverse. They can trigger a miser-like approach to money, as something that gives you safety and security, but as a consequence, you sacrifice relationships and other personal goals that have far greater meaning but are harder to define, he adds.

Experts also say a common occurrence in parents of color whose children are in these situations is that they tend to overspend in order to give their kids the same experiences as their peers, without realizing that they are laying the groundwork for financial problems down the road.

[Click HERE To Learn How Blacks Are Charting A New Economic Course!]

Knowing Your Value
For Lee, however, the problem wasn’t overspending. Aside from a brief stint with credit card debt early in college, he is not prone to debt. His issue came in the ways in which he valued himself and his work.

“When the film came out and I was touring, lecturing, and doing screenings, I began to notice that I would willingly accept lower fees than white filmmakers, even though I had more talent and experience. This created big problems for me financially at a time when I should have been cashing in on my work, says Lee.

Lee said his friend and mentor, Miko Branch, co-creator of Miss Jessie’s hair care products, pointed out his pattern and provided him with the support he needed to turn his behavior around.

“She really helped me understand that there is nothing wrong with me. I come from a situation in which my family did not have an opportunity to build wealth, and I needed to pay attention to how that was playing out: I had deep-seated feelings of unworthiness and a belief that money should be a struggle. It’s amazing how when you open your eyes, you see this so clearly in your financial patterns, says Lee.

“I now have set fees and I don’t waiver. My finances are reflecting that. I’m building savings and financial security. I would have never believed I could turn my life around this way without her ongoing mentoring and support, he adds.

“Having a person, or a support group you can trust around these conversations can help provide grounding and cut through the isolation, says Kinder.

More Than a Wealth Gap
While many Blacks, particularly those who grew up with solid financial resources, downplay the realities of racial isolation, experts say if you don’t think it’s had an impact, you’re kidding yourself. It’s simply not possible to grow up a different color than almost everyone in the room and not have it impact your psyche. “I tell people it’s like the feeling a white person has when they walk into an all-Black church. What Blacks who grew up in racial isolation have to realize is that this feeling has become normal to them and affected their decisions, says Tracey Laszloffy, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist and an expert in race relations.

If you think the remnants of growing up in racial isolation may be affecting you or your loved ones:

Get clear on your goals and your budget: “Keeping your eyes on the prize of your personal aspirations can keep you from these behaviors, says Kinder. Experts also say that a telltale sign is to look at the financial habits of people in your racial and income group who do not battle this issue of isolation. “If you’re spending on schools, vacations, and restaurants in an attempt to keep up with people who have more income and assets than you, you may have a problem, says Timmons.

Be honest with yourself: “You have to see if you’ve turned the experience into a positive in your emotional and financial life, or if it’s a hindrance. Psychologically we all remain the class we were raised within. There is a tendency to use money to acquire so-called ‘markers of success and value’ to try and offset the effects of pervasive devaluation, says Laszloffy.

Don’t be afraid to get counseling: If you suspect racial dynamics are playing out in your financial life, get professional help. You can contact the Financial Therapy Association for a list of financial therapists in your area. Be sure to mention that you are looking for someone with expertise on race in financial matters.

Teach Your Children Well

If you have a child who is subject to racial isolation:

• Speak about this often: Let your child know that you understand that they feel different. Experts point out that they may say “everything is fine” because they’ve had to bury these feelings in order to go into these environments each day. In addition, they don’t want to disappoint you. Discuss that it’s okay to have hard feelings and that the sensations can also serve as a reminder that being different is their greatest strength — growing pains mean something is getting bigger.

•  Focus your child’s (and your) attention on where they really come from: It too often feels like our history starts with slavery. Africans were chosen to build this country because they have so many amazing skills and are among the best nation builders on the planet. We’re kings, queens, merchants, etc. Immerse your child in their history. Only the truth of who they really are can fill the very image gap we strive so hard to prevent in the first place. Set them free.

• Get help: One of the most important things we can do as parents is to know when our children are in situations we do not have the tools to deal with. The Independent School Diversity Network is a wonderful resource.

• Don’t ‘tragedy’ compare: Responses like “You don’t know what racism is,” or “You don’t know what tough times are,” belittle your child’s experience. Pain and rejection feel the same for all of us. We just have different story lines to get us there. Your child’s hurt doesn’t feel any less than hurt you’ve felt.

As communities of color continue to build wealth despite socioeconomic challenges, it is imperative that parents get the tools and education they need to help their children thrive.